Find What You Love And Let It Kill You

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Sometimes I believe we were destined to meet.  Like I was meant to move here and we get together.

This relationship started to kill me from the beginning, from the first restless questions: should I start something? Is this really the thing for me? Will it make me happy? I was contemplating it from the distance, saying to myself this cannot be for me, that I just don’t have what it takes to start something like that.

The need became so intense, eating me up from the inside, that I had to start it. In the beginning I was very shy. On one hand I had such low self-confidence, thinking I could never pull it off or be seen as an interesting person. On the other hand, I was very afraid to let out all the emotions and urges that waited so long to be expressed; I was afraid I might come out too strong and ruin everything.

The first time together was a paradox. That consumed another part of me. I was fearful and fearless at the same time, powerful and weak, I surrendered and I led. I lost myself in a bundle of emotions that I didn’t even know I could have. I saw colours. They were so strong and flashy, that I never believed they could be mixed. But they could.

So our little affair started.  Every time we get together, I give away a part of me. And it drains me even when we are apart. I think about it all the time, image what I will do, what I will express.

I love to touch it, to feel its surface. I do it obsessively. I do it before we begin; I do it after we are done. During, I feel almost compelled to sense it against my skin, even under my skin. I especially like when I can’t get its scent off my skin and it lingers there for hours.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, look at it and can’t believe that beautiful thing is mine.  It’s then when I’m torn apart by the desire to either share it to the world or keeping it for myself.  I just adore its small imperfections that make it even more special to me.

Sometimes it goes easy between us. It is fun, light and I feel like a child playing. Sometimes it’s so deep that I’m close to losing my identity. Or it’s so passionate, that I’m close to losing my head.  But it’s also difficult. Very difficult. When I feel abandoned and worthless. When it is there, right next to me, but I feel it miles away. My mind wonders about, torturing me: what have I done wrong? Why can’t I do that? Why did it desert me?

But in the end I always go back to it. Even if we go on a break for a few weeks, I always run back to it. Because by now, it has become a part of me. Killing me slowly.

That was my experience with painting so far, my small love affair that I started since I moved in the Netherlands. Oh, you thought I was talking about love?  Well, I was. Indirectly and directly, at the same time. Indirectly because I believe that any passion, like love, should consume you, torment you, pull out parts of you, and create implosions. And directly because, starting from Bukowski’s quote, I wish you all experience, at least once in lifetime, a love that takes out the best of you, devours you and makes you boil up inside, until you lose yourself in the other and find out another version of you.

As a famous psychologist once said: when two lovers get together, it’s not just their current self that joins the relationship, but also the future potential self, that gets out once the relationship evolves.  So let your loved one kill you. So you can be reborn as a complete person.

True love never dies. Not even when in flames, on water

True love never dies. Not even when in flames, on water

This is the latest painting I made for the man I’ll always love. And who kills me every day.



Iulia Cirtina

Julie is the editor of XpatGirls.com. She's a Romanian girl, stranded in Amsterdam, Netherlands.

For how long, she doesn't know yet. But what she does know is communication and psychology. already a bachelor in psychology, she is now also preparing to be a life coach. This is due to her genuine interest in people and the every day joy to be there for those who have questions about themselves. Working in communication for the last 4 years has helped her pursue the life-long dream of writing. But her secret love was and will always be painting, along with piano and shoes, because yes, every girl has her thing.

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